Hello readers,
Today, i was over thinking. Ive always been an over thinker but today was different.
Today, I thought about the idea of Chris leaving in less than a year. I respect him for being LDS and he respects me for being catholic. And today was one of those days that I thought way ahead of time. I thought about how this will be the last birthday ill be spending with him, last christmas, last new year, last valentines day, last easter, last of everything. For a while atleast. I thought about how this will be the last summer we will be spending together and got me scared of the fact that ill be doing things on my own once he leaves for his mission. I thought about the things that i can do to fast forward the time while hes gone but regardless, ill still be on my own. Some people say "its only for two years" and my thoughts are "a lot can happen in two years". Hes going to miss my 21st birthday and vice versa, he'll miss my graduation, he'll miss my initial reaction for when i get the call to my first full time job. But regardless of that, i'll always be proud of him and i will always pray for guidance and his safety. If anything, i'd be second proudest next to his family.
And that is why i semi started to vlog. My youtube channel is nina santos (missninasantos) and its not a daily vlog, its something that i can look back to and i can upload some of my videos for him to see if hes allowed while hes away so that way, he can still feel close to me.
I hope everyone is okay and i will be blogging more this summer
Monday
1.51am
I have been awake for about 21 hours now. I finished one of my major assignment this semester and i wouldnt be cramming if i didnt lose half of my essay that I was working on. But now thats over, I can finally breathe. Although im not done with my assignments this same, atleast that big chunk is out of the way.
I am currently typing this blog post on my phone at 1.51am, while listesning to Chris snore over the phone. This boy just goes out of his way to something for me. Yesterday, I manage to finish my work at 5am. I needed to be at uni by 9am so I can hand it in. Without thinking about the traffic and the time it'll take to get to uni, Chris offered to drop me off at uni. Mind you, he lives in south, i live in east and uni is in the other side of town for him. Instead, he offered to pick me up early in the morning so he could come with me to uni. The boy works full time. He works 5 days a week, sometimes 6 and his only day off would be sunday. I barely see him sleep in and i kinda feel bad cuz he gets sick because of that. This is the time where I realise how much I value our relationship. How much I value him as an individual and how much I actually love this boy. We've known each other in since high school. We never even talked then. He is the greatest blessings in disguise that I recieved. Ive never had someone care for me as much as him. Alrhough I thought I did back then but those were all words. With Chris, when he says something, he means it.
Gaaaahhh im so inlove with him and I was never really vocal about it in public.
I cant wait for what our future has in store for us.
I am currently typing this blog post on my phone at 1.51am, while listesning to Chris snore over the phone. This boy just goes out of his way to something for me. Yesterday, I manage to finish my work at 5am. I needed to be at uni by 9am so I can hand it in. Without thinking about the traffic and the time it'll take to get to uni, Chris offered to drop me off at uni. Mind you, he lives in south, i live in east and uni is in the other side of town for him. Instead, he offered to pick me up early in the morning so he could come with me to uni. The boy works full time. He works 5 days a week, sometimes 6 and his only day off would be sunday. I barely see him sleep in and i kinda feel bad cuz he gets sick because of that. This is the time where I realise how much I value our relationship. How much I value him as an individual and how much I actually love this boy. We've known each other in since high school. We never even talked then. He is the greatest blessings in disguise that I recieved. Ive never had someone care for me as much as him. Alrhough I thought I did back then but those were all words. With Chris, when he says something, he means it.
Gaaaahhh im so inlove with him and I was never really vocal about it in public.
I cant wait for what our future has in store for us.
Wednesday
When should I stop?
when it hurts so much, when do I know when to stop?
How do I force myself to stop crying? When do I start to feel numb again?
Because right now it just doesnt feel right.
When should I start loving myself again with no limitation?
When do I stop the pain?
How do I force myself to stop crying? When do I start to feel numb again?
Because right now it just doesnt feel right.
When should I start loving myself again with no limitation?
When do I stop the pain?
Saturday
An open letter to my past
dear you,
Its been a while since I last talked about you. Its been a while since I felt the pain that you left me with. I know its been a while and I may have forgotten and moved on from you but I can never for get the pain that you've caused me. I was hurt. I was left alone. Like most broken hearted people are, I was broken. When you left, I tried so many things to get my mind off you and put myself together again. I thought to myself, I did fine even before we got together so whats stopping me again? I fell inlove with you. I loved you. And I regret nothing. Even until now, I still have those thoughts about what would happen if we were still together until now? I thought about those things to be honest with you and im not gonna lie about it. But I also thought that if you wouldnt have left me and broke my heart, I wouldnt have found that someone who picked me up right where I needed it the most. And now that Im old enough to be independent and know what right or wrong, I hope you are proud of me. I wish you nothing but the best and if I knew what you've accomplished so far, I would be proud of you too. Although we dont talk, I want you to know that Im never gonna be perfect. For you or for anyone else. I will never forget your name of how you hurt me and even though its been a while since we last talk/see each other, you were once a part of me and you made me who I am today (partly). I will always be hurt. I will be loved. But it doesnt changed the fact that you were the first person to break my heart and I forgive you for that. I hope you find that person that you've been looking for. Although im not ready to see you again, I have forgiven you. Its just really hard to look at you and not remember our times together. I also admit that it was probably my fault why you left me and I made myself believed that I was not worthy then. But not, im complete. Im more than happy.
Thank you for hurting me. It was worth the pain and tears.
Its been a while since I last talked about you. Its been a while since I felt the pain that you left me with. I know its been a while and I may have forgotten and moved on from you but I can never for get the pain that you've caused me. I was hurt. I was left alone. Like most broken hearted people are, I was broken. When you left, I tried so many things to get my mind off you and put myself together again. I thought to myself, I did fine even before we got together so whats stopping me again? I fell inlove with you. I loved you. And I regret nothing. Even until now, I still have those thoughts about what would happen if we were still together until now? I thought about those things to be honest with you and im not gonna lie about it. But I also thought that if you wouldnt have left me and broke my heart, I wouldnt have found that someone who picked me up right where I needed it the most. And now that Im old enough to be independent and know what right or wrong, I hope you are proud of me. I wish you nothing but the best and if I knew what you've accomplished so far, I would be proud of you too. Although we dont talk, I want you to know that Im never gonna be perfect. For you or for anyone else. I will never forget your name of how you hurt me and even though its been a while since we last talk/see each other, you were once a part of me and you made me who I am today (partly). I will always be hurt. I will be loved. But it doesnt changed the fact that you were the first person to break my heart and I forgive you for that. I hope you find that person that you've been looking for. Although im not ready to see you again, I have forgiven you. Its just really hard to look at you and not remember our times together. I also admit that it was probably my fault why you left me and I made myself believed that I was not worthy then. But not, im complete. Im more than happy.
Thank you for hurting me. It was worth the pain and tears.
Sunday
Dear future me
I know its hard now. You're only 19 yet you carry so much and you dont even know it. You put a smile on your face everyday. You wear this mask and hide your true feelings from everyone else. But thats what most people do right? I just want you to know that who you are now, will define who you are in the future. You will be stronger. Stop holding on to the past. Dont not linger any longer. The future you will just laugh at how pathetic you're feeling right now. I know there are things that needed closure but for you to be whole again, you have to listen to what your heart says.
Dear future me, I promise you'll never be afraid of anything again. You will be stronger and you will be happier. The future me. You'll always be whole and even if you're not, just remember your number one motto since 2011. "Good things happen to those who wait" And always remember that you are not alone in this journey. Someone will walk with you. The future me. The past you was always afraid. Always had anxiety. Everything came off uneasy. You were always hiding something. But you always seem to find a reason to smile and laugh. Im proud of who you are now and who you will be in the future.
Dear future me,
Be strong, be brave and be you.
Dear future me, I promise you'll never be afraid of anything again. You will be stronger and you will be happier. The future me. You'll always be whole and even if you're not, just remember your number one motto since 2011. "Good things happen to those who wait" And always remember that you are not alone in this journey. Someone will walk with you. The future me. The past you was always afraid. Always had anxiety. Everything came off uneasy. You were always hiding something. But you always seem to find a reason to smile and laugh. Im proud of who you are now and who you will be in the future.
Dear future me,
Be strong, be brave and be you.
Thursday
Underneath it all
A friend of mine once approached me about problems. Well not really a problem, it was more like a complicated situation involving two people who was once inlove. My friend told me stories of how inlove they were within a short period of time. I remember being in that situation. I was young and naive. I barely know anything about love back then. But it felt magical. Thats exactly how I felt. It was surreal. I thought I had everything that I need. But it turns out, that love was just an experience. To me, it was a wake up call. It was a valuable experience because without it, I wouldnt be whole again today. I was watching something just then. And the line goes "lets forget about the past and move on. Lets focus on the future." And I couldnt agree more. After a DMC with my friend, I told him to dont look back. Because one of the greatest things Ive done in my life is to be broken. That way, I had a reason for someone to make me whole again. For someone to pick up the pieces that I never got to during my lowest days. Underneath it all, im thankful for my past. Im thankful because I am me. To my past, I said this before and Im saying it again. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for letting me fall hard. Thank you for leaving. Thank you because without the pain, I wouldnt be as strong now compared to before. You were the last person who hurt me the most. And Im thankful for that. Because if you hadn't have hurt me, my God would never have given me the person who picked me up, accepted all my flaws and loved me for who I am without any doubt. I just have one more request. Please dont do it again. Please be the guy who would pick up someone at their lowest.
Im actually glad that my friend approached me a few days ago. I still have a lot in my head and its been years since I've had a DMC.
I want people to know that I dont take what I have now for granted. Im forever grateful for all the beautiful blessings ive been recieving since I first took a step to moving on. Moving on for me was the hardest. I distracted myself in so many ways that I dont even think about doing now. I understand my friend if he doesnt wanna move on now. I sure know it takes a lot of time and effort to do so. But then time will come and eventually things will get better soon. Ive never imagined myself being this content. In fact, I never imagined myself being in this kind of cloud 9. Although I know its not perfect at times, but with my God, I can do anything.
So to all the people who were once hurt, dont look back. Ask yourself, is it worth it? There will be a time where one day, you'll meet someone who will pick you up and make you stronger. That someone will be worth it. So smile and be positive. Not every loss can hurt you, instead it is just another blessing in disguise.
Im actually glad that my friend approached me a few days ago. I still have a lot in my head and its been years since I've had a DMC.
I want people to know that I dont take what I have now for granted. Im forever grateful for all the beautiful blessings ive been recieving since I first took a step to moving on. Moving on for me was the hardest. I distracted myself in so many ways that I dont even think about doing now. I understand my friend if he doesnt wanna move on now. I sure know it takes a lot of time and effort to do so. But then time will come and eventually things will get better soon. Ive never imagined myself being this content. In fact, I never imagined myself being in this kind of cloud 9. Although I know its not perfect at times, but with my God, I can do anything.
So to all the people who were once hurt, dont look back. Ask yourself, is it worth it? There will be a time where one day, you'll meet someone who will pick you up and make you stronger. That someone will be worth it. So smile and be positive. Not every loss can hurt you, instead it is just another blessing in disguise.
Sunday
At my happiest
its exactly 4.14am in the morning. Its monday, 26th of May 2015. Its a cold and rainy night. And i cant sleep. Ive finished my essay. Im on track. I have sorted that i will be going to the gym today and no excuses. Ive planned everything. Im sorted. Im at my happiest state atm. But for some reason, i feel like theres still something missing. Something that needs to be cleared out. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have so many things to do. I need to sleep. I need that rest. But when you're at you're happiest state, everything seems to be going way too fast. I sin. I sin everyday that i forgot who i am anymore and where i came from. I forgot to thank the one who i should really give thanks to. I forgot how to be a follower. I forgot. But when you're at you're happiest, everything just seems so right. Everything is perfect. I have this glitch inside of me thats been bothering me for the longest time now. But i am thankful because without that glitch, i wouldnt be where i am right now. Im at my happiest and im denying it. Something isnt quite complete just yet. Soon time will tell. I hope im not ruining anything. Because i just want to be at my happiest.
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